The Sexy Criminals

I recently saw a home video of myself from 1989. I was 5 years old. I was so damn cute. You know when people look at an old picture of you and say, "You were cute, what the hell happened?" like as a joke? Well it's true in this case - seriously, what the hell happened?

I'm not a bad looking guy, but compared to the 5-year old version of myself? Jesus H. Christ, man. What do I do about this? I'll tell you what I do - I pretend to be 5.

My first move was to get the same exact pair of clothes I was wearing in that video - a blue sweatshirt with trains on it and on each car of the train it had a balloon with a letter it in. 7 cars, 7 letters. G-A-B-R-I-E-L. I was wearing bright red sweatpants with the Chicago Bulls logo on the right butt cheek. I was wearing checkered slip ons with TMNT socks. Once I gathered all these items, I got dressed.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I was disappointed. I didn't look like I was 5 or cute. I looked like a freakshow. Half of my stomach was hanging out from under my sweatshirt. The Bulls logo ripped on my butt because they were too tight. The balloons popped. I had to cut the ends of the slip ons off because my feet wouldn't fit.

My girlfriend got home from work and saw me dancing in front of the mirror with my getup. She said, "Did you rob a daycare?" "Yes I did," I said. I figured it was a better story than the one I just told. Please don't tell her. She thinks criminals are sexy.