Interesting Facts

Note: Some of the following may have happened.

I went to an audition last week. The audition was to get onto an improv team at a theater that had both the size and reputation of the kitchen in my college apartment, minus the stain behind the fridge (It was from spilled milk. No, I didn't cry. Yes I did.)

Improv auditions are strange. They're not unlike the Royal Wedding. A lot of build up and preparation only to be upstaged by someone better doing something better. The Queen married off William. Barack killed Bin Laden. You get it.

We first had to line up and say our names and something interesting about ourselves. I have two go-to facts that I bust out for auditions. 1) "I wore these pants yesterday," and 2) "I actually root for Lebron James." It wasn't until today that I realized these facts are neither interesting nor effective. Let's take a closer look...

1) I wore these pants yesterday. This is uninteresting because as I've come to learn, most people who perform improv only own one pair of pants. It turns out EVERYONE in the room wore their pants yesterday.

2) I actually root for Lebron James. This is uninteresting because as I've come to learn, most people who perform improv have never heard of Lebron James. When I say, "I actually root for Lebron James," most of the auditors look at each other and whisper, "Who the fuck is that? Who names their kid Lebron? And two first names? Yeech."

- Hi, my name is Gabe. To get me started can I get a suggestion of anything at all?

- A more interesting fact.

- Thank you.

The Apple Store

I went to the Apple store to fix my MacBook. It was a brand new store, in the heart of trendy Chicago. The people who worked there were cooler than me. Way cooler than me. I walked in and alongside the breezy air conditioning, an air of hipness smacked me in the face. WHACK. Now I'm not not a hip guy, I have thick, black rimmed glasses. I own a pair of Converse All-Stars. I've heard of the Black Keys. But I was out of place. I was Flavor Flav at the Royal Wedding. What's HE doing here?

I made an appointment online to meet with a Genius, which is fancy for computer technician, which is fancy for someone who owns or has access to a screwdriver. I walked over to the Genius Bar (don't ask for a Tequila Sunrise, they don't serve alcohol), and checked in. He was holding an iPad 2 and in a very friendly tone asked me my name. "Gabe," I said. "Wow, cool name!" said the Genius. "Are you Mexican?" "No," I said. "Cool!" said the Genius. "That's awesome!" I couldn't tell if he was on a heavy dose of cocaine or incredibly racist. Probably both.

I was told to sit and wait for the next available Genius station to open up. I sat. At the other end of the store, I heard piano music. I looked behind me and there was a guy sitting on a beanbag pushing non-existent buttons on an iPad, creating the music. A fake piano. I felt like I was a special guest at Hansel's bachelor party. Zoolander would be bursting through the door at any moment, I was sure of it.

I was called up to the Genius Bar. After telling a few hilarious jokes about ordering beers and passing law exams, we got to the point. My battery was shot. "Your battery is shot," said the Genius. "CRAP!" I said. "BUT I DON'T EVEN OWN A GUN!" The Genius looked at me with his genius eyes and said, "You need a new battery. It's not a big deal." "Oh, alright. Thank you kindly," I said.

I received my new battery and took a stroll around the store, checking out all the gizmos and gadgets and whatzits and whynots. This was not a place for normal people. The walls were talking, the floors were made of videos, and the ceiling was heaven itself. I was out of place. I couldn't find the exit. I approached a Genius, carefully. "How do I get out of here?" I asked. He replied, "There's no escaping. You may as well stay a while. Have you seen the new iPhones?" I started to sweat. My chest was pounding. The world started to close in around me. I was having a panic attack. I'm stuck here forever? Oh no! I didn't bring my Ray Bans. All I have is my Sony discman. They're all going to make fun of me. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO ESCAPING?" I asked. "WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO? I HAVE TO GET HOME. I HAVE TO GO!" He looked at me with his genius eyes and replied, "Dude, the door is right there. I was kidding. It was a joke." "Thank you kindly," I said. And walked out.

Moral of the story? Don't trust anyone with an IQ over your own.

3 More Deadly Poems

1) There once was a guy named Chuck,

He was always running out of luck,

One day he went hiking and was eaten by wolves,

And boy, did that really suck.

2) There once was a girl named Kate,

She was always running late,

One day she got lost and was eaten by wolves,

And was on time at the Pearly Gate.

3) There once was a fellow named Mike,

He was always riding his bike,

One day he fell down, but wasn't eaten by wolves,

And then he...SIKE! (He was eaten by wolves).