Tuesday, July 7, 2009

A Funeral Fit for Me

When I die, I don't want an ordinary funeral. I want a Michael Jackson funeral. I want Justin Timberlake to perform. I want Jesse Jackson to give the eulogy. I want free champagne cocktails for everyone in attendance. I want Barack Obama to hit a 3-pointer in my memory. I want Tiger Woods to name a golf tournament after me. I want Annie Leibowitz to be the official photographer. I want Aretha Franklin to sing my smash hit "Hey Now, Scooby Doo." I want Pete Rose to bet on how many people show up. I want Emeril to prepare the pre-funeral meal. I want Nike to name a shoe after me. I want Dolce and Gabbana changed to Dolce and Gabeona. I want my face on the Statue of Liberty. I want Jessica Simpson to mispronounce my name. I want the funeral broadcasted live across all networks, including HBO and the Food Network. I want 40 minutes of silence - worldwide. I want a Monopoly property named after me. I want the New York Times to have a 20 page spread about me. I want every dog and baby born on the day of my funeral to be named Gabe.

That is all.

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