4 Deadly Poems

1) There once was a man named Dave,
All the ladies, about Dave, they did rave,
One night Dave got drunk and was eaten by wolves,
And that's how Dave went to his grave.

2) There once was a lady named Jane,
She had a bad leg, used a cane,
One day Jane got lost, and was eaten by wolves,
And now in the grass there's a stain.

3) There once was a fella named Stan,
His enemies, they did have a plan,
They took him to the woods and fed him the wolves,
They were arrested and ended up in the can.

4) There once was a woman named Stella,
She was a big fan of Helen Kella,
Stella drove past the woods, a wolf jumped in her car,
She didn't croak, but now her world's all psychedella.

The Fit TV Question

Question of the Day - Fit TV...is it counterproductive?

The network is full of shows ranging from healthy cooking to "All Star Workouts." Seems like a great idea, right? Get the 'work from home people' in shape without leaving the comfort of your home. The stay at home moms can work out and breast feed at the same time, without leaving the couch! Wowie!

But wait. Hold on just a minute. The network has beautiful women doing belly dances and huge beefy men doing bicep curls and cute little blond men making chicken a la low cholesterol.

The hosts and actors in these programs are very good looking, well put together (except for the aptly named Sharon Mann) individuals. I bet there are hundreds if not thousands or millions of people - men and women, girls and boys - who just sit on their ass eating nachos staring at these immaculately shaped human beings. It's impressive how flexible or how jacked or how cute these people are. There's no exercise for these voyeurs. No sweat, only drool.

So think long and hard about this. Is Fit TV really helping America?

I Put the Bed on the Front Lawn

I took a house sitting job for this guy Georgie. When I arrived at his house, he was showing me around, introducing me to his dog, when I realized that I knew this guy from somewhere - and not just the creepy picture he posted on his craigslist ad. This guy was the valet parking attendant that parked my car last weekend. This was the same dude that MOVED MY SEAT UP when he drove my car. I tell you, nothing, NOTHING, revs my engine more than when valet attendants move my seat and don't put it back.

Revenge is my middle name. Georgie left for the weekend and I got to work. I moved everything in his house from its original place to somewhere else. I put the dining room table in the bedroom. I put the bed on the front lawn. I put the toilet paper in the refrigerator, I put the dishes in the bathroom. I was on a mission. The recliner went in the garage, the microwave went in the stove and the bookshelves I turned upside down.

I didn't get paid, obviously. But I also refused to put anything back.

Improbable Conversations #2

Mickey Mouse: Hiya!
Eminem: Oh shit, is this for real?
Mickey: Yeppie! This is oh so exciting! Hee Hee!
Eminem: I ain't got time for this.
Mickey: My favorite candy is M&Ms! That's like you! Are you super sweet too?
Eminem: Yo this is whack, I'm gonna murder my agent for setting this up.
Mickey: I like teddy bears! and Minnie Mouse!
Eminem: Peace.
Mickey: It was nice talking to you!

20 Steps to Becoming an International Spy

20 Steps to Becoming an International Spy:

1) Develop a foreign accent (preferably French)
2) Purchase a plane ticket to Santo Domingo
3) Get a fedora
4) Put a feather in the fedora
5) Wear a Yarmulke under the fedora
6) Grow a beard without the connectors
7) Marry a Russian woman
8) Get a MacBook
9) Get purple tinted contact lenses
10) Eat sushi...all the time
11) Once you get to Santo Domingo, look up a guy named Frankie
12) Tell Frankie you want to be a spy
13) Kill Frankie
14) Get a puppy and name it Frankie (don't kill it)
15) Go to the racetrack and bet on the favorite
16) Read "Where the Wild Things Are"
17) Find Waldo and don't tell anywhere where he is
18) Purchase a gun and throw it in the Hudson
19) Play Wii Fit for 3 hours a day
20) Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, smile.

The Funniest Man in America

Today I met the funniest man in America. "I'm the funniest man in America," he told me from across the room.

This was kind of startling to hear. "What are you talking about?" I said.
"Yeah, it's true. I mean I don't get it. Someone named me the funniest man in America. The funny thing is, I don't feel funny. I'm depressed, I have a terrible family, I teach piano lessons, I have 12 cats, my car was broken into, I eat marshmallows for breakfast, my favorite song is 'Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely,' people refer to me as 'Captain Bozo,' I haven't had a girlfriend in 20 years, blah blah blah." He was rambling.

"Maybe you should take off the clown suit," I said.
"But it makes me look cool," he said.
"...And funny!" I countered.
"Ohhhhhhhhh, I get it!"
The kids just sat there, perplexed.

I no longer hang out at birthday parties.

Improbable Conversations #1

My girlfriend had an amazing idea for a new blog post that can be turned into a blog series. I thought I'd try it out today. It's called "Improbable Conversations." What happens is two celebrities come together and have a conversation. I merely transcribe. I have an extensive database of celebrity (both dead and alive) phone numbers, so what I do is I call one of them up, put them on hold, and then call the other one. They chat, I write. The first one was last night...

Barack Obama: Good evening.
Britney Spears: Hi there! This is such an honor! Oh my god!
Obama: Well the honor is all mine, Britney. How are you doing?
Britney: Well, I've been chillin, recording some songs, do your daughters listen to my music?
Obama: No. They're big fans of the Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus.
Britney: Oh.
Obama: I heard that song, If You Seek Amy. I won't let my kids listen to that. There is a certain audience for that kind of music, and it's not my children. I'm sorry.
Britney: Whatever man, like you know anything.
Obama: Now Britney, I have a question for you, are you drunk?
Britney: Are YOU drunk? You're like asking me all these weird questions. This sucks. I'm out.
Obama: Hello? Are you here? I think she hung up on me. Gabe? Are you there?
Gabe: Yes, Mr. President I'm here. Yes, she hung up. My apologies. Thanks for your time.
Obama: No problem. Thanks for this opportunity.

A Very Unfortunate Name

I came across a guy today named Shi, pronounced "shy." Pretty cool name if you ask me. Here's how the conversation went:

Me: Hey man, what's your name?
Shi: Shi, tis Shi.
Me: Shi, that's a cool name, where are you from?
Shi: Well Shi, that's a Hawaiian name, but I'm from Philly.
Me: Cool, well Shi, this is my first time at a book club meeting, have you ever been to one?
Shi: Yeah, I'm a regular.
Me: Cool, hey, what's your last name?
Shi: Thead, pronounced "Theed"
Me: Oh ok, Shi Thead, that's...WAIT A MINUTE!
Shi: What?
Me: Your name is Shi Thead?
Shi: Yup.
Me: Did you know that if you put it all together is spells Shithead?
Shi: No, I've never thought of that before.
Me: Really?
Shi: No, I hear that all the time.

The Dave Matthews Experience

Dave Matthews Band - the single greatest social and musical influence of my hometown and likely yours circa 1996. From ages 12 to 17, DMB was the absolute shit. I went to dozens of concerts. I paid top dollar to sit 300 yards away from the stage. Do I regret it? Hell no. It was fun. When our parents tell us they used to go to CSNY shows or Grateful Dead tours, we don't scoff.

What we can scoff at, however, was our behavior at those aforementioned Dave Matthews concerts. I remember it like yesterday, that feeling...when "Trippin' Billies" or "Two Step" or "Ants Marching" started to play, we went apeshit. We turned into animals, nay, prehistorical dinosaurs. We would scream at the top of our lungs "THANK YOU DAVE! WE LOVE YOU DAVE!" We would bop around, not really dancing, but bopping to the rhythm. On the slow songs we would sway, again not dancing, but swaying. We're wearing hemp chokers, tie dye t-shirts, bandanas, Birkenstocks, some of us even got a peace sign tattooed on their ankle (who? me?)

But again, we would have it no other way. Sure, looking back on things, it was embarrasing, humiliating, and immature. It was all part of the experience. So go ahead, scoff, it's OK. But remember those days fondly. For those of you who were more into the "let's make fun of everyone who loved Dave Matthews," oh boy, you missed out. To those of you too young to remember DMB, go buy some albums and keep listening to Miley Cyrus. Because some day you'll look back and say, "remember when Miley Cyrus was around? Oh nevermind, she sucked." OK, so don't listen to her. Just stick to Dave Matthews, Miley Cyrus sucks.

A Picture I Took at Whole Foods

But Mom, I was so damn hungry!

Bustin' Chops

Bustin' Chops - an American pastime since 15 BC. I was in the library reading up on American history and on page 14 of the American History Journal of the World, just before the John Quincy Adams story and just after Nick Bollettieri tennis camps, was a section on Bustin' Chops. I read that one time during the American Revolution, George Washington would go up to his soldiers and bust chops like he invented it. He would say, "Hey Johnny Boy, your sister is looking hot today. Did she just come back from the sauna? Oh come on, Johnny, I'm just bustin' your chops." He was a genius.

So I thought if GW could bust chops, why can't I? So I've been on a bustin' chops binge. Everything that comes out of my mouth is bust choppin'. I can bust chops with the best chop busters in the world. Allow me to tell you some of the best phrases I've come up with during my chop bustin' journey:

Hey man, I think there's something wrong with your hat, it's on backwards.
What up chick? Did a tornado attack your hair?
Hey Big Bird, why are you so tall? Are you hiding a ladder under your overalls?
Hi guy at restaurant, why did you order the turkey club sandwich? Are you in some sort of club?
...and other awesome, hilarious phrases like that.

After each response by the person, I say, "Oh COME ON! I'm just bustin' your chops."

It's really fun. I suggest you try it some time. It also helps during a job interview. Keep that in mind.