If I Were A Toaster, The Bread Would Be Ready.

So I'm chillin on a park bench last week when a woman comes up to me and says, "Excuse me, have you got the time?" "Yeah, it's 9:30," I replied. "Thank you," she said. Later on as I was strolling through the park, the same lady comes up to me again and says, "Excuse me, have you got the time?" I gave her a WTF look and said, "Yeah, it's 9:45." "Thank you," she said. Maybe this lady had Alzheimer's or some kind of memory deficiency so I didn't think much of it.

About 5 minutes after that as I was coming out of the lake in slow motion with only a speedo on and my long silky hair was blowing in the wind even though it was wet, and the same goddamn lady comes up to me and says, "Excuse me, have you got the time?" "Are you serious?" I said, "I just told you 5 minutes ago and then 15 minutes before that. Do you really not know what time it is or are you trying to drive me nuts?" "I'll take the nuts, I'm hungry, cashews please," she replied. "So what time is it? Have you got the time?" If I was a toaster, the bread would be ready. "It's 9:52." "In the morning?" she asked.

Now was my chance. (Editor's Note: "Now was my chance" is such a strange phrase. "Now" indicates that we're in the present, while "was" is indicative of the past. How can we be both in the present and in the past? Where's Daniel Faraday when you need him?) I told the woman that it was, indeed, nighttime and that the world was in total chaos causing the sunlight to be brightest at night. The woman looked at me and said, "What? Are you insane? I know it's the morning. I was just testing you. I'm calling the police." She took out her iPhone and called 9-1-1. "Is that the new iPhone?" I asked. "Yeah, it's super sweet. I just got the new app that lets you see what time it is. It's very helpful."