Old Granny Panties

It's a rough economy - no doubt about it. Sometimes you have to do things you're not proud of. Rough times call for rough measures. That's a Winston Churchill quote.

I took a job as a bellman at a fancy schmancy hotel. My job is to unload luggage from car, label luggage, take luggage to guest room - rinse and repeat. So why is this something I'm not proud of, you ask? Let me explain. I'm a nosy person. I like to get into other people's biznass. So this job, though not glamorous, is a perfect gig for me because I can get to know things about people that only a bellman can know. I look in people's bags. Allow me to share with you some items I've found.

Example 1 - an old rich lady who rolled up in a BMW.
old granny panties, Vick's vaporub, inhaler, Viagra (gross), and a rubber band ball.

Example 2 - a guy, mid 30s, rolled up in a limo.
old granny panties, tennis racket, laptop (I took it), hamster, 2 lbs marijuana (I gave it to my friend D-Bag).

Example 3 - a couple, early 20s, rolled up in a beat up 1987 Chevy.
basketball, handcuffs, cell phone charger, matching socks, a Spanish bootleg copy of Debbie Does Dallas (I took it), 3 lbs of Styrofoam (WTF?)

After much deliberation, I decided to stop looking in people's bags. It's just not as cool as I thought it would be. I wanted to find ninja swords and bananas. I wanted to find animals and FBI documents. I wanted to find cool contraptions and maybe a few thousand dollars. Instead I just got some old granny panties and an adult movie I couldn't even understand.

did you know?

There's a Facebook group. It's called "Things That Never Happened." You should join it. Unless you want to be a nincompoop.

great links

www.oldjewstellingjokes.com/ - Thanks to my brother Dave

and
www.passiveaggressivenotes.com - Thanks to my friend Emily

Like a Coconut Without a Duffel Bag

I was never good with analogies. In 3rd grade my teacher phrased this question to me in front of the whole class, "Gabe, a bark is to a tree as skin is to a ..." I said, "Cedar Rapids, Iowa?"

So I'm still no good at analogies. I try really hard, though. I try to practice every chance I get. When someone at work asks me to do something, I respond with an analogy. For example, "Gabe, will you send this package as a FedEx Priority Overnight?" My response - "Yeah, no problem. Does a banana taste like jumping jacks?" I know that doesn't make sense. When my mom told me she was going to take me out to dinner, I said, "That's cool, it'll be like when Franklin Roosevelt stepped in mashed potatoes in the Oval Office." That one was better. See? I told you I was practicing.

As I get older, I know I'll improve. It's like when you buy a bottle of wine - you know it'll be better in a few years. YES! I DID IT!

I'm just kidding, I'm actually really good at analogies.

Tinkle in the Trousers

I don't like it when people use the word "little boys/girls room." As in, "Excuse me, I have to use the little boys/girls room." Why can't they just say bathroom? My first thought is where little kids pee - which is usually in bed, in their pants or in kiddie pools shaped like turtles. So every time someone says "I have to use the little boys/girls room," I assume they are going to have an accident.

There are plenty of alternative words you can use: as stated before - bathroom, washroom, loo, toilet, John, WC, Peeatorium, lavatory, restroom. It doesn't matter what you call it. If you happen to be one of those people who say little boys/girls room, listen up - Nobody thinks it's cute. If you want to have people think you tinkle in the trousers, go ahead, but if you want to be an adult about it, choose another term.

He Spit on My Arm

There's this creepy guy who lives in my building. I was waiting for the elevator when I saw him coming. I took a deep breath and told myself I could deal - I could deal with him, just don't make too much conversation.

Anyway the creeper was standing next to me. I tried to not make eye contact and I was looking at my blackberry as if I were really busy, you know, important work stuff. Finally he took a deep breath and spit a little on my arm. I really didn't want to talk to him so I tried to wipe it off without him noticing and decided that I'd puke later.

"Sorry," he said. "Oh that's OK," I replied. I was trying not to look at him. I was pretending to type on my blackberry but what I was really typing was "dwero4234jdne32er." "Oh you have a blackberry?" he asked. "Yup," I said. "That's cool, I have a Schwinn bicycle."

"You wanna play Pictionary later?" he said. "Sorry, man I'm really busy," I said. "Oh, alright, I just thought I would show you how good I am at drawing you." "Excuse me?" I replied. "Yeah, your green eyes really shine when I use my Crayolas."

I got off the elevator and walked the rest of the way.

A Forest in my Belly

When I was in 1st grade and learning about plants, I decided to take matters into my own hands. So I learned that plants grow when you have dirt, seeds, water and sunlight. This is agreed upon universally. I grew up in a place with little dirt or sunlight so I thought that I would do it myself. I bought some dirt and seeds. Then I opened my science book.

The first sentence of the "How To Grow Your Own Plants!" section was: Get some dirt and seeds. Check. The second sentence was "Put the seeds in the dirt." Hmm...I decided to eat the dirt and subsequently eat the seeds. OK Check. The third sentence was "Now water the dirt." I went to the sink, filled up my Bebop and Rocksteady cup and drank it. That's all it said.

I thought I was a genius. In a matter of days I would be growing a forest in my belly. Turns out I was wrong. I forgot the sunlight.