A Funeral Fit for Me

When I die, I don't want an ordinary funeral. I want a Michael Jackson funeral. I want Justin Timberlake to perform. I want Jesse Jackson to give the eulogy. I want free champagne cocktails for everyone in attendance. I want Barack Obama to hit a 3-pointer in my memory. I want Tiger Woods to name a golf tournament after me. I want Annie Leibowitz to be the official photographer. I want Aretha Franklin to sing my smash hit "Hey Now, Scooby Doo." I want Pete Rose to bet on how many people show up. I want Emeril to prepare the pre-funeral meal. I want Nike to name a shoe after me. I want Dolce and Gabbana changed to Dolce and Gabeona. I want my face on the Statue of Liberty. I want Jessica Simpson to mispronounce my name. I want the funeral broadcasted live across all networks, including HBO and the Food Network. I want 40 minutes of silence - worldwide. I want a Monopoly property named after me. I want the New York Times to have a 20 page spread about me. I want every dog and baby born on the day of my funeral to be named Gabe.

That is all.

4 Deadly Poems

1) There once was a man named Dave,
All the ladies, about Dave, they did rave,
One night Dave got drunk and was eaten by wolves,
And that's how Dave went to his grave.

2) There once was a lady named Jane,
She had a bad leg, used a cane,
One day Jane got lost, and was eaten by wolves,
And now in the grass there's a stain.

3) There once was a fella named Stan,
His enemies, they did have a plan,
They took him to the woods and fed him the wolves,
They were arrested and ended up in the can.

4) There once was a woman named Stella,
She was a big fan of Helen Kella,
Stella drove past the woods, a wolf jumped in her car,
She didn't croak, but now her world's all psychedella.

The Fit TV Question

Question of the Day - Fit TV...is it counterproductive?

The network is full of shows ranging from healthy cooking to "All Star Workouts." Seems like a great idea, right? Get the 'work from home people' in shape without leaving the comfort of your home. The stay at home moms can work out and breast feed at the same time, without leaving the couch! Wowie!

But wait. Hold on just a minute. The network has beautiful women doing belly dances and huge beefy men doing bicep curls and cute little blond men making chicken a la low cholesterol.

The hosts and actors in these programs are very good looking, well put together (except for the aptly named Sharon Mann) individuals. I bet there are hundreds if not thousands or millions of people - men and women, girls and boys - who just sit on their ass eating nachos staring at these immaculately shaped human beings. It's impressive how flexible or how jacked or how cute these people are. There's no exercise for these voyeurs. No sweat, only drool.

So think long and hard about this. Is Fit TV really helping America?

I Put the Bed on the Front Lawn

I took a house sitting job for this guy Georgie. When I arrived at his house, he was showing me around, introducing me to his dog, when I realized that I knew this guy from somewhere - and not just the creepy picture he posted on his craigslist ad. This guy was the valet parking attendant that parked my car last weekend. This was the same dude that MOVED MY SEAT UP when he drove my car. I tell you, nothing, NOTHING, revs my engine more than when valet attendants move my seat and don't put it back.

Revenge is my middle name. Georgie left for the weekend and I got to work. I moved everything in his house from its original place to somewhere else. I put the dining room table in the bedroom. I put the bed on the front lawn. I put the toilet paper in the refrigerator, I put the dishes in the bathroom. I was on a mission. The recliner went in the garage, the microwave went in the stove and the bookshelves I turned upside down.

I didn't get paid, obviously. But I also refused to put anything back.

Improbable Conversations #2

Mickey Mouse: Hiya!
Eminem: Oh shit, is this for real?
Mickey: Yeppie! This is oh so exciting! Hee Hee!
Eminem: I ain't got time for this.
Mickey: My favorite candy is M&Ms! That's like you! Are you super sweet too?
Eminem: Yo this is whack, I'm gonna murder my agent for setting this up.
Mickey: I like teddy bears! and Minnie Mouse!
Eminem: Peace.
Mickey: It was nice talking to you!

20 Steps to Becoming an International Spy

20 Steps to Becoming an International Spy:

1) Develop a foreign accent (preferably French)
2) Purchase a plane ticket to Santo Domingo
3) Get a fedora
4) Put a feather in the fedora
5) Wear a Yarmulke under the fedora
6) Grow a beard without the connectors
7) Marry a Russian woman
8) Get a MacBook
9) Get purple tinted contact lenses
10) Eat sushi...all the time
11) Once you get to Santo Domingo, look up a guy named Frankie
12) Tell Frankie you want to be a spy
13) Kill Frankie
14) Get a puppy and name it Frankie (don't kill it)
15) Go to the racetrack and bet on the favorite
16) Read "Where the Wild Things Are"
17) Find Waldo and don't tell anywhere where he is
18) Purchase a gun and throw it in the Hudson
19) Play Wii Fit for 3 hours a day
20) Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, smile.

The Funniest Man in America

Today I met the funniest man in America. "I'm the funniest man in America," he told me from across the room.

This was kind of startling to hear. "What are you talking about?" I said.
"Yeah, it's true. I mean I don't get it. Someone named me the funniest man in America. The funny thing is, I don't feel funny. I'm depressed, I have a terrible family, I teach piano lessons, I have 12 cats, my car was broken into, I eat marshmallows for breakfast, my favorite song is 'Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely,' people refer to me as 'Captain Bozo,' I haven't had a girlfriend in 20 years, blah blah blah." He was rambling.

"Maybe you should take off the clown suit," I said.
"But it makes me look cool," he said.
"...And funny!" I countered.
"Ohhhhhhhhh, I get it!"
The kids just sat there, perplexed.

I no longer hang out at birthday parties.