Where the Urinal Cakes Smell like Trees

Every man has been there. Standing at the urinal surrounded on either side by other men peeing. No matter what your sexuality, what your color, where you are from, there's always the "OMG this is awfully awkward and horrifying." Every guy will tell you the first thing he does when walking into a public bathroom is see whether or not there's a urinal with two empty spots next to it. If so, they will make a bee-line to that spot. If not, they will meander slowly over, hoping that the fellow washroom users will finish their business by the time they wander over.

Anyway, back to the point. It's awkward. There's the feeling that the other person is looking at you. There's the feeling that you are peeing too loudly. There's the feeling that you're peeing too softly. There's the feeling that if you slip and fall maybe you pee on the other guy's feet. There are a lot of feelings. For example (there's ALWAYS an example!), I was at the symphony orchestra last night and I had to use the facilities. I walked into the room marked "Men," and I obviously checked to see if there was a urinal with the vacant adjoining spots. No dice. I checked my blackberry, looked in the mirror, tied my shoes, adjusted my belt, coughed a few times, pretended to look for my contact lens - all in the hopes that the people would leave so I could do my thing in peace. Again, no dice.

I walked up to the urinal and gave the kindly fellow next to me a quick glance and a grin. Not too friendly, not too mean, just enough to let him know that I was cool. I wasn't going to pull any fast ones on him. I was standing there with my fly down hoping to the good lord that it would be smooth sailing. The man (who by this time had been peeing for well over 2 minutes) did a little shake, zipped up his pants and flushed. He walked away but suddenly turned around and said, "I like your shoes."

What the hell? What did he mean? Were shoes a metaphor for my urinal style? Did he like my stance? My flow? Or really did he just like my shoes? I couldn't answer him. I couldn't pee anymore. I just stood there with my eyes closed hoping that when I opened them he was gone. I opened my eyes, my fly was down, my stream was halted. I turned my head and he was no longer there.

The urinal is nature's way of telling me to pee in the woods, where no one is watching you. Where nobody likes your shoes. Where the urinal cakes smell like trees.