Rappin' on the Train

Riding the red line home today, there were some guys on the back of the train beatboxing and rapping. A super duper fan of both of those things, I moved seats and sat closer to them to hear what they were rapping about. They were going around in a circle freestyling about their individual, athletic accomplishments and skills.

One guy said, "I be built like Fridge Perry, and knockin down threes like Larry." The next guy said, "I be ballin just like Jordan and be Shaun White-style boardin." Another guy said, "I got speed like Dwyane Wade, my tongue as sharp as Gretzky's blade."

I couldn't resist. I walked up to them and said, "Hello! My name is Gabe, may I join your raucous shenanigans?" They looked at each other. They looked at me. They looked at each other again, looked at me and the leader of the pack said, "Yup, let's see what you got."

They started to beatbox. I started to sweat. I hadn't freestyled in years! What had I gotten myself into? But here I was, standing in front of these incredible musicians, genius lyricists, soon-to-be hip hop legends, I had to impress, I had no other option. I gathered myself and started...

"Yo, yo, check it. I got hands so quick like Bonds, and then 'Woah' says The Fonz. When I'm done swimmin' you'll ask for help, cuz they call me Michael Phelp(s). Strategizin' like Lombardi, solving crimes like the boys Hardy. Eating for weeks only Kashi, to prepare to take down Kobayashi."

I stopped. I was sweating profusely. I looked at them and they looked at me. I looked at them again. They looked back. It was silent. A dapper man dressed in a tuxedo at the other end of the train stood up and said, "YO SON THAT WAS ILL! CAN YOU REALLY STRATEGIZE LIKE LOMBARDI? THAT GUY WAS A GENIUS!" I responded, "Not really, I just made it up for the rap. I'm not much of a football fan. But I do plan on eating a lot tonight. I mean, not like Kobayashi, but I may get two Subway sandwiches."

The guy looked at me and I looked back. "Good plan," he said. "All footlongs are five dollars this month."