How to properly behave in an Ivy League university library in New York City:
1. Wear something that screams, "I don't
go to school here." Avoid wearing dark-rimmed glasses, makeup, scarves, deodorant,
cardigans, and/or sweatpants. Do not carry a messenger bag or a metal water bottle. Once you enter the building, ask the old,
sad man at the desk where the quietest spot in the building is. Tell him
you're working on something "that I could tell you about, but it'd just
be over your head."
2. Get lost. Go down a few
flights of stairs/stares. Turn right, left, and then whatever direction
you choose. If you find yourself amongst books, smusty mells, and sweaty
college students - you're on your way.
3. Sit down. Do
whatever you were going to do at said library. Open a book, go on
Facebook, watch When Harry Met Sally, whatever. Stay for at least 30
minutes.
4. Get up to use the bathroom and ask some
dumb looking kid with a Nike running t-shirt to watch your stuff. Ask
him if he's a runner. Then say, "Yeah right" in response to his answer.
5. Oppa bathroom time.
6. Return to your stuff. Thank Mr. Marathon for his generosity of time and spirit and carry on with your activity.
7. Notice the gargoyle staring at you from above, mocking you.
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